Confession
Sometimes, or no, not sometimes; more often than not, when I see myself in a picture, I feel ugly. I somehow realize that I'm not pretty. I wonder how that can be. Because when I look at myself in the mirror I don't see myslelf as that bad. But I don't know, maybe I am...
When I look in the mirror I (probably among with many others) try to look as good as possible. Just for myself. And nowadays, I don't even think about it anymore. I just do it. I lower my shoulders, straighten my back, pull my chin foreward and tilt my head just a little. Just to look the best I can, for myself.
I guess somehow I must have forgot I did it, 'cause seeing those pictures, well... It opens my eyes.
I can't believe how I could have put on so much weight during these two or three years. I used to change between 108 and 114 pounds. But now... I feel so ashamed. I don't feel beautiful anymore. I look at myself in disgust. 143 pounds. That's been the most. And hopfully I'll never weigh over that, ever.
I can't see how this is going to work. I'm too lazy to work out. I can do it for a while, but then I'll either get sick or start to make up some dumb excuses for why I cannot, or should not work out.
When I'm alone, and bored, I often eat. Or at least I go through the fridge and all the cupboards in the kitchen. About five or six times. Trying to find something to eat. At first nothing is ever good enough. But the fourth or fifth time you always find something. Something that you've looked at every time you opened that door, but up to this point it has not been what you've wanted. But... When there is nothing else, you'll just have to take the best of the worst.
I hate myself for doing this.
I'm always concerned that people think I'm fat. Or well, not fat, but big. Old friends, current friends, new people, my family... everyone. But I never ask. 'Cause I don't want to hear the answer that I already know I'll be getting.
I guess it's not helping me to be hanging out with super skinny people either. It makes me self conscious and I think even more often about how huge I am. Which is bad, since you not only attract what you think about most, but you also become what you think about the most.
I know (or I think with certainty) that people will say that I am wrong about this. That I am not fat. But in some ways I don't take in what they say, bacause as long as I'm not happy with how I look, I can't ever believe that someone else can truly think I am beautiful.
When I look in the mirror I (probably among with many others) try to look as good as possible. Just for myself. And nowadays, I don't even think about it anymore. I just do it. I lower my shoulders, straighten my back, pull my chin foreward and tilt my head just a little. Just to look the best I can, for myself.
I guess somehow I must have forgot I did it, 'cause seeing those pictures, well... It opens my eyes.
I can't believe how I could have put on so much weight during these two or three years. I used to change between 108 and 114 pounds. But now... I feel so ashamed. I don't feel beautiful anymore. I look at myself in disgust. 143 pounds. That's been the most. And hopfully I'll never weigh over that, ever.
I can't see how this is going to work. I'm too lazy to work out. I can do it for a while, but then I'll either get sick or start to make up some dumb excuses for why I cannot, or should not work out.
When I'm alone, and bored, I often eat. Or at least I go through the fridge and all the cupboards in the kitchen. About five or six times. Trying to find something to eat. At first nothing is ever good enough. But the fourth or fifth time you always find something. Something that you've looked at every time you opened that door, but up to this point it has not been what you've wanted. But... When there is nothing else, you'll just have to take the best of the worst.
I hate myself for doing this.
I'm always concerned that people think I'm fat. Or well, not fat, but big. Old friends, current friends, new people, my family... everyone. But I never ask. 'Cause I don't want to hear the answer that I already know I'll be getting.
I guess it's not helping me to be hanging out with super skinny people either. It makes me self conscious and I think even more often about how huge I am. Which is bad, since you not only attract what you think about most, but you also become what you think about the most.
I know (or I think with certainty) that people will say that I am wrong about this. That I am not fat. But in some ways I don't take in what they say, bacause as long as I'm not happy with how I look, I can't ever believe that someone else can truly think I am beautiful.
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